Horizons

All the time through this process people have been telling me how good I look! Amazingly, it is true. Even when I feel like my skin is green and blotchy! I feel it is the process of burning away some of the old dross and letting more of the light out. The light that wants to come out....and is hidden by my doubts and fears. Often I feel like there is a neon green flowing running through my body....glowing out through my skin. It feels horrible sometimes and other times is like a a revolving brush cleaning out my "drains!" Yesterday was one of the horrible times. However, this morning, Thursday.....I am better, though I was not able to put together a radio show for today, and am resting for the day. Friday seems like another rest day to recover from the horrible part!

So there is one more treatment to go!

I just watched Amelia....the movie about Amelia Earhart. She saw horizons as a reason for living...And those horizons stretch out before me full of all of you and all of me. Connected. She flew because she needed to ...for her. I keep my eye on the horizons because the intrigue of what is on the other side ...curiosity keeps me engaged. I realize that one of my horizons is the state of bardo....what happens when our physical body is done? What is on the other side?

Amelia loved, she loved living, and she followed her horizon.

I have spent alot of time on the outer horizons....and now am considering my interior horizons.....they are much more challenging somehow. Wonder why that is? A nonsense question since I am here and that's all there is to it!

Our connection gives me context for it all.....and that is like the great horizon!

Over and out ......Phyllis

2 more to go!

Sorry about the delay on the Blog. I did write a few days ago and then it all disappeared! So good news!

The last two treatments have been pretty easy. Chris, my neighbor who is a first degree student went with me on the 3rd and Naomi, my cousin from Kauai who was here visiting and cooking for me, took me in on the 10th. Both treatments were okay. No great black fuge as in some of the others. Then, my physical energy has been good the two weeks. I am able to be out of bed more time and have a better state of mind. There are definite physical limits though and I have been resting when I need to!

I am again filled with the depth of relationship and connection I have with everyone who is with me, including my family. I feel I know what it means to be present for relationship. And this has been evident in many ways. I am so grateful that I have been able to experience this in this lifetime!

Two more treatments to go. I am more optimistic that these will also be okay....and not take me physically or mentally down. This Wednesday I go in as usual. The next Monday, I see the Oncologist and have my blood draw. Then on Wednesday, I have my last treatment! What a celebration this will be!

It will be interesting to experience life with out the chemo treatments. I realize that I have become accustomed to the weekly cycle. Will this be difficult to give up? Will there be other things that will happen when my body starts readjusting itself? Will I slowly get my mind back? Will I be able to set my own appropriate boundaries for myself? What will happen when I start radiation? And so on.

So emotionally, I feel that I am in a known place now! So odd to think of it all in this way. And now I am on the edge of the unknown again! The vulnerability of it all is sometimes overwhelming. So when I experience "threatening" kinds of conversations or relationship hitches, these become more than I can handle....or think I can handle. It takes all I have not to do the child like thing and say "I am running away and won't come back." This doesn't happen very often, but when it does, i am needing to be very mindful of caring for myself in a different way. So the depth of relationship runs in many ways.

Time for me to take a nap. Blessings on all of you who are with me on this journey. I so appreciate the company, the support, and the gift that you are. Phyllis