Horizons

All the time through this process people have been telling me how good I look! Amazingly, it is true. Even when I feel like my skin is green and blotchy! I feel it is the process of burning away some of the old dross and letting more of the light out. The light that wants to come out....and is hidden by my doubts and fears. Often I feel like there is a neon green flowing running through my body....glowing out through my skin. It feels horrible sometimes and other times is like a a revolving brush cleaning out my "drains!" Yesterday was one of the horrible times. However, this morning, Thursday.....I am better, though I was not able to put together a radio show for today, and am resting for the day. Friday seems like another rest day to recover from the horrible part!

So there is one more treatment to go!

I just watched Amelia....the movie about Amelia Earhart. She saw horizons as a reason for living...And those horizons stretch out before me full of all of you and all of me. Connected. She flew because she needed to ...for her. I keep my eye on the horizons because the intrigue of what is on the other side ...curiosity keeps me engaged. I realize that one of my horizons is the state of bardo....what happens when our physical body is done? What is on the other side?

Amelia loved, she loved living, and she followed her horizon.

I have spent alot of time on the outer horizons....and now am considering my interior horizons.....they are much more challenging somehow. Wonder why that is? A nonsense question since I am here and that's all there is to it!

Our connection gives me context for it all.....and that is like the great horizon!

Over and out ......Phyllis

2 more to go!

Sorry about the delay on the Blog. I did write a few days ago and then it all disappeared! So good news!

The last two treatments have been pretty easy. Chris, my neighbor who is a first degree student went with me on the 3rd and Naomi, my cousin from Kauai who was here visiting and cooking for me, took me in on the 10th. Both treatments were okay. No great black fuge as in some of the others. Then, my physical energy has been good the two weeks. I am able to be out of bed more time and have a better state of mind. There are definite physical limits though and I have been resting when I need to!

I am again filled with the depth of relationship and connection I have with everyone who is with me, including my family. I feel I know what it means to be present for relationship. And this has been evident in many ways. I am so grateful that I have been able to experience this in this lifetime!

Two more treatments to go. I am more optimistic that these will also be okay....and not take me physically or mentally down. This Wednesday I go in as usual. The next Monday, I see the Oncologist and have my blood draw. Then on Wednesday, I have my last treatment! What a celebration this will be!

It will be interesting to experience life with out the chemo treatments. I realize that I have become accustomed to the weekly cycle. Will this be difficult to give up? Will there be other things that will happen when my body starts readjusting itself? Will I slowly get my mind back? Will I be able to set my own appropriate boundaries for myself? What will happen when I start radiation? And so on.

So emotionally, I feel that I am in a known place now! So odd to think of it all in this way. And now I am on the edge of the unknown again! The vulnerability of it all is sometimes overwhelming. So when I experience "threatening" kinds of conversations or relationship hitches, these become more than I can handle....or think I can handle. It takes all I have not to do the child like thing and say "I am running away and won't come back." This doesn't happen very often, but when it does, i am needing to be very mindful of caring for myself in a different way. So the depth of relationship runs in many ways.

Time for me to take a nap. Blessings on all of you who are with me on this journey. I so appreciate the company, the support, and the gift that you are. Phyllis

4 more and counting

Unlike last week, this week was a clear one! I am puzzled and perhaps really needing to simply accept that there are somethings that are not in my control! What a tough one to accept.

I had my treatment on Tuesday and forgot to let everyone know...but I figured that the reiki was flowing and when it came would be what I needed. And it seems like this was true! I saw the medical oncologist, Dr Rachel Swart. She is pleased with my treatments so far and because I have not had to slip them. My blood counts are still good. The side effects that I do have are getting a little more pronounced...less time when I can be focused, more little moments of dizziness when I lay down or get up out of bed, and my hair is shedding! It seems that this next month will be a challenge to move through. Part of it is that I am now in a kind of rhythm! What will it be like to stop? Even though it is not pleasant. What a monstrous idea! That I could miss this cycle. Well, when I realized that I was going to have my treatment on Tuesday, I went through a little panic about the disturbance of the cycle. I sent Reiki to myself and asked why? the answer was.....when I am vulnerable....then the safety of routine is so strong! Whew! I need to really let this one sink in!

Today Joyce and I went to the Radio-oncologist here in Green Valley. He is a very present, young doctor with kindness in his face. I will go here for the radiation therapy. This will save me driving to Tucson and dealing with a much larger facility every day. The course of treatment will start at the beginning of April....if I am able to do the next four treatments each week. The radiation will be 6 and a half weeks! 5 days a week. It is difficult to even think about this! Though the side effects are supposed to be a little less wide spread.

The month of March will be my time to recover and to have time away from the doctors! I will be so happy for this....and wonder if I will be courageous enough to go back into another treatment phase! Guess I will but I don't have the innocence I did in October....a sense of excitement and adventure. Maybe I can get this back? Hmmmmmmm.

Phil Morgan was here for a few days this week....lovely to have him here! Such an amazing story he has....with his three life partners having had cancer and eventually dying. He was able to reassure me, coach me, and sooth a part of me that needed to be touched...though I didn't know it before he came. Thanks Phil!

haven't been to see Avatar again...but am interested in the IMAX version. So much to take it all at once.....and I feel that this is how my life is now. So much on so many levels.

Signing off......time for exercising my right arm. Phyllis

5 more to go!

I have no idea what makes one week not bad and the next a kind of nightmare. Kate and I went in to Tucson on Wednesday. Though I had not a good night's sleep, I felt okay and clear. The blood draw was, for the first time, quick and easy. Then we had to wait. Not good. I was feeling tired and took a little nap sitting up. Then we went in, the procedure was fairly straight forward, not much over waiting. By the time I was finished with the infusion....I was finished! We had planned to do a couple of little errands on the way home but this was not possible. I slept on the way home, directly after a short lunch slept again, and then had a Reiki treatment. Thank Goodness! Thank you Chris! Kate made a great Chinese dinner. After that I needed to push myself to do the interview for the radio show as I had put it off way too late. Then to bed!

Thursday was a true down day and Friday morning wasn't too bad. I had another treatment Thursday and also Friday morning. Thank Goodness! In the evening on Friday (that's tonight), some friends of Joyce and mine presented 13 of us with a sample Hawaiian dinner! It was great fun.....and the food was great. Everyone agreed.

So Lesley and Gary are launched and wished a great journey with their new endeavor.

I got a little "ono" for Hawaii and have stayed up watching one of the Merry Monarch Festival DVDs. This is the yearly hula Festival in Hilo that is incredible. One of my dreams is to go and be there in person!

During this last week, I had a chance to play the Game of Transformation again. This time the focus was "I open to my spiritual connection with the Ranch." This also has a wider application, of course. The Game, one more time, was so right on target.
Early in my mastership, when I did not understand the place of money in my life nor in the practice, I was confused. I had to learn that I was trustworthy with money and that I needed to work with money in my own way. This has been good for my life and now I trust myself with money. And with this open to more understanding on an energetic level as well as a spiritual connection.

During the Game the same obstacles arose around trusting my spiritual connection. My guardian angel was Truth. I understood that I needed to know my own truth and use this as my guide. Trust in myself was a big part of this revelation.
The Game is working in me and I am holding a space for further developments.

When I connected with the Ranch now 2 years ago, my mother and I went up to the Ranch. As we stepped out of the car, she and I both felt the deep and clear connection. I was so happy that someone else was running the Ranch and I could simply use the Ranch as often as I could. The work in these last two years at the Ranch has been unusually easy and yet each person goes deeply into themselves. The results of the work has lived on and made major shifts in people's lives. I feel that there is some inherent quality of energy that allows this to happen. I am amazed. I have also experienced these shifts for myself. So much has opened for me there. I will see what the connection brings. I remain unattached to the outcome...which is not easy! But I see that staying with my truth in the moment and not reaching into the future will serve me well. And serve my connection with spirit. I am learning to be present with another quality of listening. It is good.

Everything is getting quieter and this is a blessing.

For this week.....signing off with a grateful heart, a quieter mind, and a willing spirit. Phyllis

Avatar and other observations

First my report: This week's treatment was almost totally clear of my usual aversion and fog. I feel that this was thanks to you! Thank you for your support on this! Thursday was a total bed day, though I did talk on the phone for several hours. Some how this was a day that many people called. Then today I rested until 11 and then got up, went into Tucson to do some errands. Kate Jones is here now from England and is doing a wonderful job of supporting me while Joyce is having a well deserved R&R.

This last week my right arm was very swollen and I was afraid of the lymphodema...so I have been exercising regularly, getting massage for it, and being more careful of salty foods and so on. It is going down now. Whew! My dizziness is not as bad though still present. It is mostly when I lay down! And I as I am eating better, I feel better about my self care, which is good.

Tomorrow I am playing the Game of Transformation with Kate and another dear friend. My focus is "I open to my spiritual connection with the Ranch." This is my next step of entering into a conscious relationship with the Ranch and its calling. So many things are swirling around and I feel that this is a way to let go of the mental and logical aspects and feel the heart/spirit.

A week ago I went to see AVATAR, the movie. Of course I wore the glasses and saw it in 3-D. I cannot recount all the levels of impact that this movie has had on me. I close my eyes and see images of the movie. I long to be back in the movie and gain more of the messages and energy that I have received. I went the second time on Tuesday! And received another level of energy. I hope to see it a third time in a week or so.

The more obvious connection I had was the relationship (is this the right word?) of the humans and the avatars that were made of both human and avatar cells. I could feel and sense the great disparity between the human culture and the avatar culture. It echoed the same in me.....my daily "human" life and my spirit which is connected to everything. I see that I have been letting go of the daily life trappings and my spiritual life is beginning to be my chosen "reality." This will take over more and more of my daily life until, hopefully, I will be connected and with my spirit.

Another split that I see in myself which is perhaps another perspective of the same duality is the part of me that is the lineage bearer and has been prepared through the years to accept this energy without knowing how or what it is and the part of me that is my personality with my weaknesses and attachments. If I cannot accept both as a part of me, then how can anyone else? It is through the connection with the "Mother" and strengthening connection with all that is ....that this integration will happen.

The movie was rich in content for me. I am grateful for my sister who encouraged me to go see it! And this is enough about the movie for now. I feel I am still rocking inside from the impact of the visual and auditory messages.

Now I have 6 more treatments to go. It seems like the time is slowing up like the first ten were downhill rather than uphill. Now it feels like a plateau of some kind has been reached. I am grateful for this as the side effects are still minimal and my energy is still steady. Prayers of gratitude are daily being said ....like one of those tibetan spinning wheels that send the prayers out constantly. I realize the potential of gratitude to shift deep and, seemingly, immovable blocks within me. I must not lose this in my momentary frustration of not feeling that I can express it enough. As Paul once told me, "Don't you see how much you show your honor and gratitude to your grandmother by the way you live your life?" I have been living with this working inside of me for the last 25 years. It is started to be realized.

Show gratitude......

Stepping into circles, linking arms, letting our connection to the Mother grow strong, experiencing the one......this feeds us all.

Reiki.

with love, Phyllis

New conditions

Treatment 13....done! Whew! And 7 to go. Though it seems that I am on the downhill as far as numbers, the symptoms are going a bit uphill these last days. The brain fog is a bit clearer still from the weekend after Christmas when the three treatment angels arrived! However, in the last three days, I have been having minute moments of dizziness. This is new. I am cutting back on the sugar intake and determined to go for a little walk each day.....thinking this will assist this symptom. I have having a really intense reaction to simply thinking about the cancer center. The nurse this last week said I could ask for a light sedative that would assist me in not having the intense body reaction to coming to the center. I don't want to do this...but the intensity of the adverse body reaction is growing. I do not want to stop as I feel that the treatment is my path. And my cognitive capacity is slowing down. So I am spending less and less time at the computer and it takes more energy to concentrate. Such a vacation from thinking! So good and frustrating also!

Today I thought about going to a hynotherapist for the reaction to the cancer center. There is one here in Green Valley. I also thought those of you sending could do some mental treatment about this. I am also a bit depressed about my lack of energy to care for me....little things like going for a daily walk, wearing my adema sleeve to help prevent lymphodema, and so on. I fall back on my lazy streak......which I have been fighting since my teen years! Ah....perhaps it is a symptom of something else! On to psychotherapy!

This next week is going to be a big change. Kate Jones arrives on Monday for 2 weeks. Joyce leaves on Wednesday for 10 days. A good time for her to be gone and to have a change of scenery....on all levels. She has been so "on" that I am a grateful for Marilyn's birthday party that compelled her to go to Reno....Lake Tahoe. She will also being seeing her grand niece for the first time (she is 6 months old), and will have a chance to ski!!! I trust she will come back refreshed and vitalized. Kate will be able to be with me....in a different way. I would appreciate your sending a couple of treatments to her too! I really appreciate her coming to support me now.

I am overflowing with gratitude for the support that is so potent in my overall transformation.
Yours, Phyllis

This photo was taken as the sun was coming up. Don't mind my earring that this precariously hanging from my right ear! I did not lose it! I just had my hair "cut" again. It looks thinner than the first time. And I am still enjoying the feeling of my Buzz cut!





This is from my back yard at sunrise!

Welcome 2010! When I think of my experiences of time/space continuum which means the experiences of time moving and space not being meaningful, I bask in the ocean of what is. When I hear 2010, I remember waiting with anticipation for the year 2000 and the changes that would come to the planet. What I am also aware of now is the combination of the two "realities" I have about time. There is no time and the calendar, clocks are made up by us so we can mark time together.

In doing this together in some vague sort of agreement, we can meet each other, talk on the phone, and have national holidays. In Reiki and the time/space continuum, I find myself knowing that I am connected all the time and that my perception of space is really elastic. The space that separates us is only in out minds. Space can be as relatively small as the space between two atoms and the space between the earth and the moon. These are actually the same space!

Wednesday I had my 12th treatment. I saw the Oncologist's assistant who assured me that everything was going to schedule. All my blood counts are fine. I have a little dip in producing red platelets but this is what they want. So no eating bunches of spinach or taking iron! My body felt pretty good going into the treatment. During the actual infusion procedure, I felt so nauseous. Ugh! And then after it all, I recovered. Yesterday was a pretty good day for me. I attribute this to the work that Jean and Hira did on me in bringing all of my bodies together and being present. The other was the Radio show that was aired on Thursday and listeners sending me/being with me. These experiences are about collapsing the perceived space.

The upshot is that I am aware that our practice of Reiki gives awareness of separation and space, gives a way to collapse that space/separation, and allows a possibility of experiencing another world that is utterly connected and present. The benefit is obvious. The path from separation and being one can be and, in my experience, difficult. Our practice allows this journey to be in our own timing (that concept again!) and through our own experiences.

And I am so grateful for these experiences of oneness. May these become longer and more trustworthy! May I be open to spirit and the bliss that comes with oneness! May we all experience the collective and take our next step to health, happiness, and prosperity!

Much love for our new year! Phyllis