Now what?

Nature seems to be in tune with my state of being these days....the Rain has come over and over in the last three months, bringing with it a very green desert! And the flowers this year are incredible! So many enriching experiences have come to me in the last days, so many blossoms.

On the Spring equinox, March 21, I had the pleasure and honor to initiate three masters! And they are now on their way home to teach their first classes! The two weeks went by with the speed of light; all of a sudden the days were counted and lived. I felt the teaching coming from a different place. It is hard to put words to it. I am holding the days and moments as gifts from the last months.

On March 30, I had my SIM for the radiation treatment. This seemed to go well, though I realized that my inner anxiety came to the surface. Joyce had some time off that day and was able to come with me! I was so happy about this. Now I have four little tiny tattoos on my chest...and they are preparing the "plan" for the radiation. I will begin on April 14 at 2:00 pm.

On March 31, I had a mammogram in preparation for the appointment on April 8 with the surgeon. It is the checkup after the chemo is finished and before the radiation starts. I went blithely by myself thinking that this is a no worry situation. The tech was a bit rough and the experience left me shaking. I realized that the last time I had had one, I found I had cancer! So I was revisiting a scary situation. I stayed for the results.....and they were negative. So I am clear! Of course. But the lurking "What if" was definitely there! I realized that I was acting as though there was nothing that could go wrong.....while underneath, there was the question. This brought me up short and I am happy to say that I resumed my hands on treatment from the local Reiki hands on April 1~They have had a break for the month of March. I received treatments from visitors.

The evening of the mammogram day, I went to a chanting evening with Krishna Das, Deva Premal and Miten in Tucson! After two days of resting and recovering from the departures of the group members, Joyce and I went to an old theatre in downtown Tucson. It was my first time with them LIVE! Joyce was a wonderful guide since she knew the traditional chants. The experience was another bouquet! The energy that poured through was beautiful. This came at a time when I was open and vulnerable. Sometimes I felt the energy wash through my being, cleansing all levels. Sometimes the energy moved every cell to vibrate at a different frequency. Sometimes the energy moved me to remember the last months experiences, especially the painful and uncomfortable ones, seeing them in another light..more gifts. The spirit moved! Whew!

The radio show continues to challenge my being conscious of the passing of time! Every week is a surprise! Another show is due to be aired. Lately I have been doing them myself since I have not the foresight to ask people for interviews. Another factor is since I have not been traveling the impulses and conversations have not come to me. Now I feel that I am going cold into the great resource of the community. Again, there is another place from which to draw.

I am looking forward to the next days before the radiation treatments start.....to rest, contemplate what this next step is bringing me, and to take up a yoga treatment that was gifted to me by Nora. She has given me a specific plan to work on my liver and other organs which are detoxing and to assist my lymph system. Though it seemed very mellow, the effect that one session gave me was great! So another blossom in the desert.

Well, it is late...or rather very early in the morning. I wanted to get something on the Blog and have been thinking of you all with great affection. This is also a gift......as I read the comments, as I follow my time with this part of my path, and as I connect with your support and love.

I am full of gratitude.

Aftermath

The work with Jessica over the weekend of March 6-7 was fabulous. I, not only had fun, but was able to be in a circle of Reiki and wonderful people who came together with a resounding Yes! During the percussion sessions, something turned inside of me. As though the internal spiral changed directions and now the spiral was moving outward rather than inward. It was a good change of direction. Since then my scope of attention has increased and I am able to imagine a future. It is interesting to notice. This does not mean that I felt I would die.....but there was this increasing focus on the end of the spiral! Now, with the change of direction, I have a different focus. The discipline for me.....will be to care for myself in my future!

Now I am engaged in a two week training and initiation of three masters. These women were to have been initiated last year but waited until I felt able to engage again in this work. Jolanda comes from Ireland, Tatiana from Russia, and Nora from California. They are a great trio and being with them has drawn me back into this teaching. Today I will initiate them. This means that I will stand in the initiation energy for the first time since last June! I know that this will be an initiation for myself. Trusting in Reiki and in the energy that brought us together now, I am starting on another journey within my practice of Reiki.

We will be going to the Kenyon Ranch, the place that I will be offering events and time together for the next years. I have a dream that this will be a place for me and the Reiki community to come home to. The land there will support me energetically as the initiations come through.

Physically, I am much better most days. Sometimes I have a feeling of the chemo coursing through my body and I am concentrating on detoxing my liver and kidneys. Still drinking herb teas! Oranges are back on the menu since my nouth has recovered from the chemo. Lots of water and more and more movement. My legs are definitely not strong and walking around the block is an effort....but I am determined to keep going as I have gained 20 pounds during the chemo period. Now it is coming off! Thank Goodness but I would like to keep going until I feel good in my physical body again.

I am anxious about the radiation treatments that are coming up in April. I go on Tuesday for a simulation. They will tatoo the place where the radiation will go and show me how it will all work. I am treating myself to be open to this experience as I was to the chemo. I feel the places of unknown again and am wanting to open to this place, especially on a physical level. Physical safety is an old issue of mine! Even though I drive on the autobahn in Germany!

The Reiki has been a quiet and steady support system through this all. My right arm and lymph area has been getting all the attention now as I want to be sure that the new pathways are supported as I go into the radiation treatment.

On another physical level, the monetary support which is flowing in allows me to keep my attention on the present and with this process. I am grateful for this, feeling again and again the joy, caring, and gratitude that this money carries. The months ahead stretch into a long year without working and having expenses that I usually don't have in my budget! It would be easy to go into fear and anxiety. I am trusting in Reiki to carry me through, and you are a part of Reiki. Thank you.

with all that I have....My health, my support team locally and globally, and my family...I am rich beyond measure.

Phyllis

It's over?

Hello all, I have had my last infusion treatment over a week ago, took the last pills two nights ago, and am now officially into the recovery stage. This, according to my oncologist, will take my body at least a year. In the world of oncology treatment, I have 4-5 weeks to get my blood counts up to somewhat normal, gain some physical energy, and have the emotional courage to start the next stage which is the radiation.

A day after my last infusion....at the end of February, Joyce and I went to Mexico with a group of friends. It was perhaps not a great idea on my part, but I had been doing so well.....The ride down was torture for me and suffering was high on the scale of my physical body! Afterwards we decided that I had gotten a little stomach flu thing as well. So the three days in Mexico were spent really in bed......getting better day by day. Luckily, the day we left, I was able to enjoy the ride home. We went to San Carlos which, it turns out, is 8 hours from Green Valley counting the hours in line at the border and so on. However, It was lovely to be in another physical place.....and I thoroughly enjoyed the company!

Now I am in Silver City NM visiting Vicki Allen. A friend of mine, Jessica Palin (no relationship to the one from Alaska!) is here from the UK. We are doing a low key weekend of percussion and inner work. There are 18 coming! And I feel this is the perfect way for me to complete one stage and start preparation for the next one.

Well, I am in an internet cafe and am running out of battery......Gotta go.

Will be back post weekend and will let you know how things went.

I feel a great surge inside these days and wonder what is going to emerge next!

Phyllis

Horizons

All the time through this process people have been telling me how good I look! Amazingly, it is true. Even when I feel like my skin is green and blotchy! I feel it is the process of burning away some of the old dross and letting more of the light out. The light that wants to come out....and is hidden by my doubts and fears. Often I feel like there is a neon green flowing running through my body....glowing out through my skin. It feels horrible sometimes and other times is like a a revolving brush cleaning out my "drains!" Yesterday was one of the horrible times. However, this morning, Thursday.....I am better, though I was not able to put together a radio show for today, and am resting for the day. Friday seems like another rest day to recover from the horrible part!

So there is one more treatment to go!

I just watched Amelia....the movie about Amelia Earhart. She saw horizons as a reason for living...And those horizons stretch out before me full of all of you and all of me. Connected. She flew because she needed to ...for her. I keep my eye on the horizons because the intrigue of what is on the other side ...curiosity keeps me engaged. I realize that one of my horizons is the state of bardo....what happens when our physical body is done? What is on the other side?

Amelia loved, she loved living, and she followed her horizon.

I have spent alot of time on the outer horizons....and now am considering my interior horizons.....they are much more challenging somehow. Wonder why that is? A nonsense question since I am here and that's all there is to it!

Our connection gives me context for it all.....and that is like the great horizon!

Over and out ......Phyllis

2 more to go!

Sorry about the delay on the Blog. I did write a few days ago and then it all disappeared! So good news!

The last two treatments have been pretty easy. Chris, my neighbor who is a first degree student went with me on the 3rd and Naomi, my cousin from Kauai who was here visiting and cooking for me, took me in on the 10th. Both treatments were okay. No great black fuge as in some of the others. Then, my physical energy has been good the two weeks. I am able to be out of bed more time and have a better state of mind. There are definite physical limits though and I have been resting when I need to!

I am again filled with the depth of relationship and connection I have with everyone who is with me, including my family. I feel I know what it means to be present for relationship. And this has been evident in many ways. I am so grateful that I have been able to experience this in this lifetime!

Two more treatments to go. I am more optimistic that these will also be okay....and not take me physically or mentally down. This Wednesday I go in as usual. The next Monday, I see the Oncologist and have my blood draw. Then on Wednesday, I have my last treatment! What a celebration this will be!

It will be interesting to experience life with out the chemo treatments. I realize that I have become accustomed to the weekly cycle. Will this be difficult to give up? Will there be other things that will happen when my body starts readjusting itself? Will I slowly get my mind back? Will I be able to set my own appropriate boundaries for myself? What will happen when I start radiation? And so on.

So emotionally, I feel that I am in a known place now! So odd to think of it all in this way. And now I am on the edge of the unknown again! The vulnerability of it all is sometimes overwhelming. So when I experience "threatening" kinds of conversations or relationship hitches, these become more than I can handle....or think I can handle. It takes all I have not to do the child like thing and say "I am running away and won't come back." This doesn't happen very often, but when it does, i am needing to be very mindful of caring for myself in a different way. So the depth of relationship runs in many ways.

Time for me to take a nap. Blessings on all of you who are with me on this journey. I so appreciate the company, the support, and the gift that you are. Phyllis

4 more and counting

Unlike last week, this week was a clear one! I am puzzled and perhaps really needing to simply accept that there are somethings that are not in my control! What a tough one to accept.

I had my treatment on Tuesday and forgot to let everyone know...but I figured that the reiki was flowing and when it came would be what I needed. And it seems like this was true! I saw the medical oncologist, Dr Rachel Swart. She is pleased with my treatments so far and because I have not had to slip them. My blood counts are still good. The side effects that I do have are getting a little more pronounced...less time when I can be focused, more little moments of dizziness when I lay down or get up out of bed, and my hair is shedding! It seems that this next month will be a challenge to move through. Part of it is that I am now in a kind of rhythm! What will it be like to stop? Even though it is not pleasant. What a monstrous idea! That I could miss this cycle. Well, when I realized that I was going to have my treatment on Tuesday, I went through a little panic about the disturbance of the cycle. I sent Reiki to myself and asked why? the answer was.....when I am vulnerable....then the safety of routine is so strong! Whew! I need to really let this one sink in!

Today Joyce and I went to the Radio-oncologist here in Green Valley. He is a very present, young doctor with kindness in his face. I will go here for the radiation therapy. This will save me driving to Tucson and dealing with a much larger facility every day. The course of treatment will start at the beginning of April....if I am able to do the next four treatments each week. The radiation will be 6 and a half weeks! 5 days a week. It is difficult to even think about this! Though the side effects are supposed to be a little less wide spread.

The month of March will be my time to recover and to have time away from the doctors! I will be so happy for this....and wonder if I will be courageous enough to go back into another treatment phase! Guess I will but I don't have the innocence I did in October....a sense of excitement and adventure. Maybe I can get this back? Hmmmmmmm.

Phil Morgan was here for a few days this week....lovely to have him here! Such an amazing story he has....with his three life partners having had cancer and eventually dying. He was able to reassure me, coach me, and sooth a part of me that needed to be touched...though I didn't know it before he came. Thanks Phil!

haven't been to see Avatar again...but am interested in the IMAX version. So much to take it all at once.....and I feel that this is how my life is now. So much on so many levels.

Signing off......time for exercising my right arm. Phyllis

5 more to go!

I have no idea what makes one week not bad and the next a kind of nightmare. Kate and I went in to Tucson on Wednesday. Though I had not a good night's sleep, I felt okay and clear. The blood draw was, for the first time, quick and easy. Then we had to wait. Not good. I was feeling tired and took a little nap sitting up. Then we went in, the procedure was fairly straight forward, not much over waiting. By the time I was finished with the infusion....I was finished! We had planned to do a couple of little errands on the way home but this was not possible. I slept on the way home, directly after a short lunch slept again, and then had a Reiki treatment. Thank Goodness! Thank you Chris! Kate made a great Chinese dinner. After that I needed to push myself to do the interview for the radio show as I had put it off way too late. Then to bed!

Thursday was a true down day and Friday morning wasn't too bad. I had another treatment Thursday and also Friday morning. Thank Goodness! In the evening on Friday (that's tonight), some friends of Joyce and mine presented 13 of us with a sample Hawaiian dinner! It was great fun.....and the food was great. Everyone agreed.

So Lesley and Gary are launched and wished a great journey with their new endeavor.

I got a little "ono" for Hawaii and have stayed up watching one of the Merry Monarch Festival DVDs. This is the yearly hula Festival in Hilo that is incredible. One of my dreams is to go and be there in person!

During this last week, I had a chance to play the Game of Transformation again. This time the focus was "I open to my spiritual connection with the Ranch." This also has a wider application, of course. The Game, one more time, was so right on target.
Early in my mastership, when I did not understand the place of money in my life nor in the practice, I was confused. I had to learn that I was trustworthy with money and that I needed to work with money in my own way. This has been good for my life and now I trust myself with money. And with this open to more understanding on an energetic level as well as a spiritual connection.

During the Game the same obstacles arose around trusting my spiritual connection. My guardian angel was Truth. I understood that I needed to know my own truth and use this as my guide. Trust in myself was a big part of this revelation.
The Game is working in me and I am holding a space for further developments.

When I connected with the Ranch now 2 years ago, my mother and I went up to the Ranch. As we stepped out of the car, she and I both felt the deep and clear connection. I was so happy that someone else was running the Ranch and I could simply use the Ranch as often as I could. The work in these last two years at the Ranch has been unusually easy and yet each person goes deeply into themselves. The results of the work has lived on and made major shifts in people's lives. I feel that there is some inherent quality of energy that allows this to happen. I am amazed. I have also experienced these shifts for myself. So much has opened for me there. I will see what the connection brings. I remain unattached to the outcome...which is not easy! But I see that staying with my truth in the moment and not reaching into the future will serve me well. And serve my connection with spirit. I am learning to be present with another quality of listening. It is good.

Everything is getting quieter and this is a blessing.

For this week.....signing off with a grateful heart, a quieter mind, and a willing spirit. Phyllis