2010-04-11
Approaching Radiation
The days are flying by like horses on a downhill run. The good news is that my energy is slowly coming back. Sometimes it is clear that there is a difference! The other night I wanted to go to the hot tub at the recreation center! That I had the energy to have the idea and the energy to actually go was marvelous. Sometimes now I have energy to do things. In the last months when night came, I was exhausted and had no energy to do anything.
My mind and memory is still a bit like a sieve. Sometimes I simply blank out things. It is a familiar situation now and I hope the holes are filling up slowly and steadily! So all in all, I think I have come back about 50% of what I was a year ago. Scary and hopeful at the same time!
The other day I played the Game of Transformation with two women friends....and my focus was: I expand my Trust in Being. I feel this shift in me from doing to being. And it is subtle and radical all at the same time. For instance, one of the principles that I work on and see that Reiki supports me to be discerning.....is that I want to be aware of my motivation for action. Motivation is far more important than the doing. So in the Game on the emotional level, I received the card.....Set back by other people's opinions. (I have been struggling with putting together a schedule for next year or the end of this year. Something is not right.) With this card I realize that I must be vigilant about motivation. If I decide because of other people's opinions or desires, then I am Doing. If I listen to my own calling and act from this place, then I am Being.
The Reiki Foundation Board and I are having a similar conversation. It is all around me. And I am living in a puzzle. so many things have shifted and yet the pieces of the puzzle look the same. It is a mind bender!
So each day, as I move toward the Radiation therapy, I savour and trust that the process continues and presses into the unknown. I am not looking forward to this next step.....and I see that there are gifts waiting for me there. Sigh. And it is my path, of this I am certain.
April 14 at 2:00 pm (same time as Los Angeles) I will start this treatment. Everyday during the week (5 days a week) for 6.5 weeks. So the end of the treatment will be at the end of May. I see that the effects will not be as physical but may create other disturbances. I am preparing for this. Another passage through the Valley.
The abundance of life energy supports me .........I am attaching photos of the flowers....the yellow bushes are in our back yard and are Tombstone Roses. The others are a small part of the cactus flowers that are madly blooming this year.
(Somehow cannot put the photos where I want so will use the next BLOG for photos.......
Until the next Post.....
A Phyllis Being
My mind and memory is still a bit like a sieve. Sometimes I simply blank out things. It is a familiar situation now and I hope the holes are filling up slowly and steadily! So all in all, I think I have come back about 50% of what I was a year ago. Scary and hopeful at the same time!
The other day I played the Game of Transformation with two women friends....and my focus was: I expand my Trust in Being. I feel this shift in me from doing to being. And it is subtle and radical all at the same time. For instance, one of the principles that I work on and see that Reiki supports me to be discerning.....is that I want to be aware of my motivation for action. Motivation is far more important than the doing. So in the Game on the emotional level, I received the card.....Set back by other people's opinions. (I have been struggling with putting together a schedule for next year or the end of this year. Something is not right.) With this card I realize that I must be vigilant about motivation. If I decide because of other people's opinions or desires, then I am Doing. If I listen to my own calling and act from this place, then I am Being.
The Reiki Foundation Board and I are having a similar conversation. It is all around me. And I am living in a puzzle. so many things have shifted and yet the pieces of the puzzle look the same. It is a mind bender!
So each day, as I move toward the Radiation therapy, I savour and trust that the process continues and presses into the unknown. I am not looking forward to this next step.....and I see that there are gifts waiting for me there. Sigh. And it is my path, of this I am certain.
April 14 at 2:00 pm (same time as Los Angeles) I will start this treatment. Everyday during the week (5 days a week) for 6.5 weeks. So the end of the treatment will be at the end of May. I see that the effects will not be as physical but may create other disturbances. I am preparing for this. Another passage through the Valley.
The abundance of life energy supports me .........I am attaching photos of the flowers....the yellow bushes are in our back yard and are Tombstone Roses. The others are a small part of the cactus flowers that are madly blooming this year.
(Somehow cannot put the photos where I want so will use the next BLOG for photos.......
Until the next Post.....
A Phyllis Being
2010-04-04
Now what?
Nature seems to be in tune with my state of being these days....the Rain has come over and over in the last three months, bringing with it a very green desert! And the flowers this year are incredible! So many enriching experiences have come to me in the last days, so many blossoms.
On the Spring equinox, March 21, I had the pleasure and honor to initiate three masters! And they are now on their way home to teach their first classes! The two weeks went by with the speed of light; all of a sudden the days were counted and lived. I felt the teaching coming from a different place. It is hard to put words to it. I am holding the days and moments as gifts from the last months.
On March 30, I had my SIM for the radiation treatment. This seemed to go well, though I realized that my inner anxiety came to the surface. Joyce had some time off that day and was able to come with me! I was so happy about this. Now I have four little tiny tattoos on my chest...and they are preparing the "plan" for the radiation. I will begin on April 14 at 2:00 pm.
On March 31, I had a mammogram in preparation for the appointment on April 8 with the surgeon. It is the checkup after the chemo is finished and before the radiation starts. I went blithely by myself thinking that this is a no worry situation. The tech was a bit rough and the experience left me shaking. I realized that the last time I had had one, I found I had cancer! So I was revisiting a scary situation. I stayed for the results.....and they were negative. So I am clear! Of course. But the lurking "What if" was definitely there! I realized that I was acting as though there was nothing that could go wrong.....while underneath, there was the question. This brought me up short and I am happy to say that I resumed my hands on treatment from the local Reiki hands on April 1~They have had a break for the month of March. I received treatments from visitors.
The evening of the mammogram day, I went to a chanting evening with Krishna Das, Deva Premal and Miten in Tucson! After two days of resting and recovering from the departures of the group members, Joyce and I went to an old theatre in downtown Tucson. It was my first time with them LIVE! Joyce was a wonderful guide since she knew the traditional chants. The experience was another bouquet! The energy that poured through was beautiful. This came at a time when I was open and vulnerable. Sometimes I felt the energy wash through my being, cleansing all levels. Sometimes the energy moved every cell to vibrate at a different frequency. Sometimes the energy moved me to remember the last months experiences, especially the painful and uncomfortable ones, seeing them in another light..more gifts. The spirit moved! Whew!
The radio show continues to challenge my being conscious of the passing of time! Every week is a surprise! Another show is due to be aired. Lately I have been doing them myself since I have not the foresight to ask people for interviews. Another factor is since I have not been traveling the impulses and conversations have not come to me. Now I feel that I am going cold into the great resource of the community. Again, there is another place from which to draw.
I am looking forward to the next days before the radiation treatments start.....to rest, contemplate what this next step is bringing me, and to take up a yoga treatment that was gifted to me by Nora. She has given me a specific plan to work on my liver and other organs which are detoxing and to assist my lymph system. Though it seemed very mellow, the effect that one session gave me was great! So another blossom in the desert.
Well, it is late...or rather very early in the morning. I wanted to get something on the Blog and have been thinking of you all with great affection. This is also a gift......as I read the comments, as I follow my time with this part of my path, and as I connect with your support and love.
I am full of gratitude.
2010-03-21
Aftermath
The work with Jessica over the weekend of March 6-7 was fabulous. I, not only had fun, but was able to be in a circle of Reiki and wonderful people who came together with a resounding Yes! During the percussion sessions, something turned inside of me. As though the internal spiral changed directions and now the spiral was moving outward rather than inward. It was a good change of direction. Since then my scope of attention has increased and I am able to imagine a future. It is interesting to notice. This does not mean that I felt I would die.....but there was this increasing focus on the end of the spiral! Now, with the change of direction, I have a different focus. The discipline for me.....will be to care for myself in my future!
Now I am engaged in a two week training and initiation of three masters. These women were to have been initiated last year but waited until I felt able to engage again in this work. Jolanda comes from Ireland, Tatiana from Russia, and Nora from California. They are a great trio and being with them has drawn me back into this teaching. Today I will initiate them. This means that I will stand in the initiation energy for the first time since last June! I know that this will be an initiation for myself. Trusting in Reiki and in the energy that brought us together now, I am starting on another journey within my practice of Reiki.
We will be going to the Kenyon Ranch, the place that I will be offering events and time together for the next years. I have a dream that this will be a place for me and the Reiki community to come home to. The land there will support me energetically as the initiations come through.
Physically, I am much better most days. Sometimes I have a feeling of the chemo coursing through my body and I am concentrating on detoxing my liver and kidneys. Still drinking herb teas! Oranges are back on the menu since my nouth has recovered from the chemo. Lots of water and more and more movement. My legs are definitely not strong and walking around the block is an effort....but I am determined to keep going as I have gained 20 pounds during the chemo period. Now it is coming off! Thank Goodness but I would like to keep going until I feel good in my physical body again.
I am anxious about the radiation treatments that are coming up in April. I go on Tuesday for a simulation. They will tatoo the place where the radiation will go and show me how it will all work. I am treating myself to be open to this experience as I was to the chemo. I feel the places of unknown again and am wanting to open to this place, especially on a physical level. Physical safety is an old issue of mine! Even though I drive on the autobahn in Germany!
The Reiki has been a quiet and steady support system through this all. My right arm and lymph area has been getting all the attention now as I want to be sure that the new pathways are supported as I go into the radiation treatment.
On another physical level, the monetary support which is flowing in allows me to keep my attention on the present and with this process. I am grateful for this, feeling again and again the joy, caring, and gratitude that this money carries. The months ahead stretch into a long year without working and having expenses that I usually don't have in my budget! It would be easy to go into fear and anxiety. I am trusting in Reiki to carry me through, and you are a part of Reiki. Thank you.
with all that I have....My health, my support team locally and globally, and my family...I am rich beyond measure.
Phyllis
Now I am engaged in a two week training and initiation of three masters. These women were to have been initiated last year but waited until I felt able to engage again in this work. Jolanda comes from Ireland, Tatiana from Russia, and Nora from California. They are a great trio and being with them has drawn me back into this teaching. Today I will initiate them. This means that I will stand in the initiation energy for the first time since last June! I know that this will be an initiation for myself. Trusting in Reiki and in the energy that brought us together now, I am starting on another journey within my practice of Reiki.
We will be going to the Kenyon Ranch, the place that I will be offering events and time together for the next years. I have a dream that this will be a place for me and the Reiki community to come home to. The land there will support me energetically as the initiations come through.
Physically, I am much better most days. Sometimes I have a feeling of the chemo coursing through my body and I am concentrating on detoxing my liver and kidneys. Still drinking herb teas! Oranges are back on the menu since my nouth has recovered from the chemo. Lots of water and more and more movement. My legs are definitely not strong and walking around the block is an effort....but I am determined to keep going as I have gained 20 pounds during the chemo period. Now it is coming off! Thank Goodness but I would like to keep going until I feel good in my physical body again.
I am anxious about the radiation treatments that are coming up in April. I go on Tuesday for a simulation. They will tatoo the place where the radiation will go and show me how it will all work. I am treating myself to be open to this experience as I was to the chemo. I feel the places of unknown again and am wanting to open to this place, especially on a physical level. Physical safety is an old issue of mine! Even though I drive on the autobahn in Germany!
The Reiki has been a quiet and steady support system through this all. My right arm and lymph area has been getting all the attention now as I want to be sure that the new pathways are supported as I go into the radiation treatment.
On another physical level, the monetary support which is flowing in allows me to keep my attention on the present and with this process. I am grateful for this, feeling again and again the joy, caring, and gratitude that this money carries. The months ahead stretch into a long year without working and having expenses that I usually don't have in my budget! It would be easy to go into fear and anxiety. I am trusting in Reiki to carry me through, and you are a part of Reiki. Thank you.
with all that I have....My health, my support team locally and globally, and my family...I am rich beyond measure.
Phyllis
2010-03-05
It's over?
Hello all, I have had my last infusion treatment over a week ago, took the last pills two nights ago, and am now officially into the recovery stage. This, according to my oncologist, will take my body at least a year. In the world of oncology treatment, I have 4-5 weeks to get my blood counts up to somewhat normal, gain some physical energy, and have the emotional courage to start the next stage which is the radiation.
A day after my last infusion....at the end of February, Joyce and I went to Mexico with a group of friends. It was perhaps not a great idea on my part, but I had been doing so well.....The ride down was torture for me and suffering was high on the scale of my physical body! Afterwards we decided that I had gotten a little stomach flu thing as well. So the three days in Mexico were spent really in bed......getting better day by day. Luckily, the day we left, I was able to enjoy the ride home. We went to San Carlos which, it turns out, is 8 hours from Green Valley counting the hours in line at the border and so on. However, It was lovely to be in another physical place.....and I thoroughly enjoyed the company!
Now I am in Silver City NM visiting Vicki Allen. A friend of mine, Jessica Palin (no relationship to the one from Alaska!) is here from the UK. We are doing a low key weekend of percussion and inner work. There are 18 coming! And I feel this is the perfect way for me to complete one stage and start preparation for the next one.
Well, I am in an internet cafe and am running out of battery......Gotta go.
Will be back post weekend and will let you know how things went.
I feel a great surge inside these days and wonder what is going to emerge next!
Phyllis
A day after my last infusion....at the end of February, Joyce and I went to Mexico with a group of friends. It was perhaps not a great idea on my part, but I had been doing so well.....The ride down was torture for me and suffering was high on the scale of my physical body! Afterwards we decided that I had gotten a little stomach flu thing as well. So the three days in Mexico were spent really in bed......getting better day by day. Luckily, the day we left, I was able to enjoy the ride home. We went to San Carlos which, it turns out, is 8 hours from Green Valley counting the hours in line at the border and so on. However, It was lovely to be in another physical place.....and I thoroughly enjoyed the company!
Now I am in Silver City NM visiting Vicki Allen. A friend of mine, Jessica Palin (no relationship to the one from Alaska!) is here from the UK. We are doing a low key weekend of percussion and inner work. There are 18 coming! And I feel this is the perfect way for me to complete one stage and start preparation for the next one.
Well, I am in an internet cafe and am running out of battery......Gotta go.
Will be back post weekend and will let you know how things went.
I feel a great surge inside these days and wonder what is going to emerge next!
Phyllis
2010-02-18
Horizons
All the time through this process people have been telling me how good I look! Amazingly, it is true. Even when I feel like my skin is green and blotchy! I feel it is the process of burning away some of the old dross and letting more of the light out. The light that wants to come out....and is hidden by my doubts and fears. Often I feel like there is a neon green flowing running through my body....glowing out through my skin. It feels horrible sometimes and other times is like a a revolving brush cleaning out my "drains!" Yesterday was one of the horrible times. However, this morning, Thursday.....I am better, though I was not able to put together a radio show for today, and am resting for the day. Friday seems like another rest day to recover from the horrible part!
So there is one more treatment to go!
I just watched Amelia....the movie about Amelia Earhart. She saw horizons as a reason for living...And those horizons stretch out before me full of all of you and all of me. Connected. She flew because she needed to ...for her. I keep my eye on the horizons because the intrigue of what is on the other side ...curiosity keeps me engaged. I realize that one of my horizons is the state of bardo....what happens when our physical body is done? What is on the other side?
Amelia loved, she loved living, and she followed her horizon.
I have spent alot of time on the outer horizons....and now am considering my interior horizons.....they are much more challenging somehow. Wonder why that is? A nonsense question since I am here and that's all there is to it!
Our connection gives me context for it all.....and that is like the great horizon!
Over and out ......Phyllis
2010-02-14
2 more to go!
Sorry about the delay on the Blog. I did write a few days ago and then it all disappeared! So good news!
The last two treatments have been pretty easy. Chris, my neighbor who is a first degree student went with me on the 3rd and Naomi, my cousin from Kauai who was here visiting and cooking for me, took me in on the 10th. Both treatments were okay. No great black fuge as in some of the others. Then, my physical energy has been good the two weeks. I am able to be out of bed more time and have a better state of mind. There are definite physical limits though and I have been resting when I need to!
I am again filled with the depth of relationship and connection I have with everyone who is with me, including my family. I feel I know what it means to be present for relationship. And this has been evident in many ways. I am so grateful that I have been able to experience this in this lifetime!
Two more treatments to go. I am more optimistic that these will also be okay....and not take me physically or mentally down. This Wednesday I go in as usual. The next Monday, I see the Oncologist and have my blood draw. Then on Wednesday, I have my last treatment! What a celebration this will be!
It will be interesting to experience life with out the chemo treatments. I realize that I have become accustomed to the weekly cycle. Will this be difficult to give up? Will there be other things that will happen when my body starts readjusting itself? Will I slowly get my mind back? Will I be able to set my own appropriate boundaries for myself? What will happen when I start radiation? And so on.
So emotionally, I feel that I am in a known place now! So odd to think of it all in this way. And now I am on the edge of the unknown again! The vulnerability of it all is sometimes overwhelming. So when I experience "threatening" kinds of conversations or relationship hitches, these become more than I can handle....or think I can handle. It takes all I have not to do the child like thing and say "I am running away and won't come back." This doesn't happen very often, but when it does, i am needing to be very mindful of caring for myself in a different way. So the depth of relationship runs in many ways.
Time for me to take a nap. Blessings on all of you who are with me on this journey. I so appreciate the company, the support, and the gift that you are. Phyllis
The last two treatments have been pretty easy. Chris, my neighbor who is a first degree student went with me on the 3rd and Naomi, my cousin from Kauai who was here visiting and cooking for me, took me in on the 10th. Both treatments were okay. No great black fuge as in some of the others. Then, my physical energy has been good the two weeks. I am able to be out of bed more time and have a better state of mind. There are definite physical limits though and I have been resting when I need to!
I am again filled with the depth of relationship and connection I have with everyone who is with me, including my family. I feel I know what it means to be present for relationship. And this has been evident in many ways. I am so grateful that I have been able to experience this in this lifetime!
Two more treatments to go. I am more optimistic that these will also be okay....and not take me physically or mentally down. This Wednesday I go in as usual. The next Monday, I see the Oncologist and have my blood draw. Then on Wednesday, I have my last treatment! What a celebration this will be!
It will be interesting to experience life with out the chemo treatments. I realize that I have become accustomed to the weekly cycle. Will this be difficult to give up? Will there be other things that will happen when my body starts readjusting itself? Will I slowly get my mind back? Will I be able to set my own appropriate boundaries for myself? What will happen when I start radiation? And so on.
So emotionally, I feel that I am in a known place now! So odd to think of it all in this way. And now I am on the edge of the unknown again! The vulnerability of it all is sometimes overwhelming. So when I experience "threatening" kinds of conversations or relationship hitches, these become more than I can handle....or think I can handle. It takes all I have not to do the child like thing and say "I am running away and won't come back." This doesn't happen very often, but when it does, i am needing to be very mindful of caring for myself in a different way. So the depth of relationship runs in many ways.
Time for me to take a nap. Blessings on all of you who are with me on this journey. I so appreciate the company, the support, and the gift that you are. Phyllis
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