Three weeks into the Chemo therapy process, I realize that this Blog will be good for me to record my process. This is because my mind is what is being affected the most! And I have just discovered how much I rely on my mind to keep me "together!" Well an insight to me but not news to some of you out there!
The first time into the Cllinic for the chemo, Joyce and my mother went with me. It was good to have them there. The care of the staff and the professionalism of the clinic was reassuring. They were more than open to our holding the chemicals for the chemo and the anti-nausea stuff also. Then Joyce treated me while they injected the chemicals into my "port" which is a small device inserted under my skin at the collar bone for the weekly injections and blood tests. This port was very painful for the first two weeks and now is better. In addition to this injection time, I also take two pills every night. So every night I have to make the clear decision of swallowing the pills! Sometimes it is hard. I remember Barbara McDaniel's words of "Be thankful that you have something to take!"
After three such sessions....the patten is emerging. Wednesday I am anxious because I don't know what will happen...and I know the chemo will happen! Usually just afterwards I have lunch, make a short stop before coming home and then home to bed! Thursdays are down days for me. I am usually not doing anything except sleeping, watching movies, and staring into space! Joyce says that I am not really here.
Fridays I do one or two physical things that help me come back! But I tire easily and sleep early. Saturday and Sunday are better days and by Tuesday, I am working in the office on my computer and other things. However, throughout all this, my mind is only able to "see" one thing and one thing only. If I am distracted! Then whatever I was doing is mostly gone. Frightening! But I am not bad.....or out of it when I am on that one thing! Emotionally I am fragile and am very sensitive! Things are getting more confusing because of this! And Spiritually I am learning and learning about what this means! I see that I have had many ideas which don't seem to be accurate so am in a creative space of confusion....as Bethal Phaigh pointed out years ago. This is the space between two states of consciousness!
I love receiving and reading the emails, cards, and connection through Skype and the telephone! And I am having a difficult time organizing myself to respond! I love Skype....because I can see if you are on your computer when I am. Somehow this gives me a warm and sweet feeling inside. And I love having the occasional conversation on Skype! Thank Goodness that the camera only shows the "top" half!
My one concern right now is about hands on treatment. I do not have enough contacts here in the area to have a treatment everyday.....and I would love to have daily treatments as well as the time Joyce and I have in the early mornings with Reiki. If any of you know of students in the Tucson area....please email me! Thanks!
As this process becomes more and more intense, the Reiki will be more and more necessary! So I am looking ahead....and there are people who are traveling here to spend some time with me...supporting me in treatment as well as driving me around. The more chemo I have the less I want to drive myself! Wheew! What a thing to relinquish. Can you imagine me not driving? The thought of the autobahn strike terror in my heart now!
Joyce and I are looking for a regular housekeeper to help us in keeping the house clean...which is important now ...and more than just to be comfortable but to be clean! I dislike not being able to do this myself. Sigh. So there are many changes that I will need to accept. This is a spiritual discipline!
Thank you for your support in sending Reiki,
Signing off for now...Phyllis
2009-10-31
2009-10-26
Time in Almaty
Just to keep in a kind of order....I wanted to talk about my trip to Almaty Kazakhstan. It is a beautiful city now very fast becoming "westernized." Lots of hugs glass paneled buildings going up and the roads are up to anyone's standards! Amazing changes. The People are still very lovely with many of the tribal influences shown in the faces and manners of the people themselves. Such diversity with open hearts. I was welcomed with open arms and had three weeks of being cared for. I ate simply with brown rice and miso soup as my staples. I had at least one and sometimes three treatments a day which was important for my balance of time. It was difficult all the way through the weeks stay to really sleep all night. When I did, it was a cause for celebration! The events were rewarding with many questions about healing, history, and my process. Talking about this and having discussions about Reiki and healing was good for me. Allowed for more clarity and lots of different viewpoints. Paul Mitchell was there for all the events and was a strong support throughout.
It was good to "get away" from the doctor appointments, the immersion into the medical model of things, and to feel the Reiki community enfold me. Whew! Just what I needed for balance. A great thank you to the organizers of these events and the ones that I needed to cancel also. I appreciate the support and openness of opportunities that have come from this situation.
I am glad to have made this trip. I also understood the stress levels that are inherent in traveling, in a different way. I realized how much energy and how little time I really had for myself over these years, though I would not change them now! I realized the continued gift of insight that I have through my journey with cancer. I am grateful for it all. Thank you again and again for being with me on the journey and supporting me even if you have doubts about my choices. What compassion!
Signing off for now. Phyllis at home in Arizona
2009-10-20
What is the song, singing in me now?
End of August 2009:
August 19 will be a date to remember in my life! My first surgery and effectively my first brush with illness. Afterwards, I felt pretty good...sore, swollen under my arm, and somehow, healthy! People were around me who were attending the events at the Pocket Sanctuary Ranch. I had lots of Reiki and this took me through the OGM Retreat.
Then I realized I needed to come home and be more alone. It was not easy and I had a feeling of leaving a safe place and entering another one.
The Surgeon had my permission to remove the first lymph nodes and found that there was cancer in the first one but not the others. I am to have tests to check whether the cancer has located in another place in my body. These will be done on September 9.
In the meantime, I am scheduling the followup treatment to the surgery. This has been difficult. So many belief systems, unconscious fears and “appearances” to consider. Now, I have decided to have the chemotherapy and radiation. This is not out of fear but out of a feeling that this is the way I need to go. Strangely, that this path will serve me.
This weekly treatment, which will start October 14, will be accompanied by daily hands on Reiki treatments, distant treatments, prayers, homeopathic support of internal organs, and other supplements. I am shifting to a macro biotic diet. There will be other possible supporting ideas and treatments along the way.
Fear does arise at times. When it does, I find myself carried by the trust within and by the comfort of feeling Reiki with me.
My inner process is so intense and complicated that it is not possible to express it. Only to say, I have discovered that my heart has been clouded by past experiences. I thought that spirit resided in my head! And now I know that my heart is the place of my Spirit, and therein, a place of peace.
August 19 will be a date to remember in my life! My first surgery and effectively my first brush with illness. Afterwards, I felt pretty good...sore, swollen under my arm, and somehow, healthy! People were around me who were attending the events at the Pocket Sanctuary Ranch. I had lots of Reiki and this took me through the OGM Retreat.
Then I realized I needed to come home and be more alone. It was not easy and I had a feeling of leaving a safe place and entering another one.
The Surgeon had my permission to remove the first lymph nodes and found that there was cancer in the first one but not the others. I am to have tests to check whether the cancer has located in another place in my body. These will be done on September 9.
In the meantime, I am scheduling the followup treatment to the surgery. This has been difficult. So many belief systems, unconscious fears and “appearances” to consider. Now, I have decided to have the chemotherapy and radiation. This is not out of fear but out of a feeling that this is the way I need to go. Strangely, that this path will serve me.
This weekly treatment, which will start October 14, will be accompanied by daily hands on Reiki treatments, distant treatments, prayers, homeopathic support of internal organs, and other supplements. I am shifting to a macro biotic diet. There will be other possible supporting ideas and treatments along the way.
Fear does arise at times. When it does, I find myself carried by the trust within and by the comfort of feeling Reiki with me.
My inner process is so intense and complicated that it is not possible to express it. Only to say, I have discovered that my heart has been clouded by past experiences. I thought that spirit resided in my head! And now I know that my heart is the place of my Spirit, and therein, a place of peace.
To my wonderful support network!
9. August 2009:
It has been a week since the biopsy when I knew deep inside that the spot in my breast was cancer. Since then I have been continuing my journey, as I was before. The difference now is where my attention is. My being is the focus of my attention.
Talk, talk talk. I talked about slowing down, not traveling as much, and taking more time for myself. These are the symptoms of something else. Because these did not capture the essence of what my soul wanted, I did not hear the truth behind the words. As Reiki has brought me the gift of this messenger, it is my priority to listen and to act accordingly.
Just as it is not gentle on the body to go to extremes, I hope to avoid this on all levels. The greater challenge is to be sensitive to what my body and soul are saying and honor their messages.
When I first sent Reiki to my spot, I asked the spot, "What is your name?" The spot said, "You are not ready to talk with me directly! You must first accept and appreciate fully your body!" I am writing a list of all the envy I have had of other people's bodies, how I wish I were different. Then I am writing a list of all the qualities of my body now that just are. When I finish with the second list, which is not easy, then I will have a ceremony to create the bridge of letting go of the desire to be different and embracing the body that I have. I will then see if the spot will talk with me!
I know that the word cancer is very evocative. The word can pull up deepest fears that are projections of night time fear, fear of death, and fear of loss. I appreciate that you care for me and that these might have come forth. If this is the beginning of physical death for me, then I sincerely wish to hold this part of my journey with dignity and courage taking the next steps into the unknown.
Right now, I am waiting for more information from the medical community. Before this, I have begun a relationship with my spot., to see the gifts that are coming to me through this experience and the reassurance that my secret desire of moving into another realm of service for the community is the path of my soul.
I welcome Reiki treatments and know that my Being will accept the energy, using it as it needs. If you wish to have a focus, these are some that would continue to support my life's journey:
See both my spiritual and physical bodies fill with Reiki
See me being open to the messages of my body and having the courage to speak the truth of my body
Hold the healing of any rifts that are in my personal or reiki life
See me embrace my physical body as it is…..glorious and strong
Feel my trust in my innate goodness and beauty
Thank you for your greetings, loving messages, advice, and translations of medical jargon.
Thank you for allowing me to be a recipient of your Reiki practice!
hyllis Furumoto
It has been a week since the biopsy when I knew deep inside that the spot in my breast was cancer. Since then I have been continuing my journey, as I was before. The difference now is where my attention is. My being is the focus of my attention.
Talk, talk talk. I talked about slowing down, not traveling as much, and taking more time for myself. These are the symptoms of something else. Because these did not capture the essence of what my soul wanted, I did not hear the truth behind the words. As Reiki has brought me the gift of this messenger, it is my priority to listen and to act accordingly.
Just as it is not gentle on the body to go to extremes, I hope to avoid this on all levels. The greater challenge is to be sensitive to what my body and soul are saying and honor their messages.
When I first sent Reiki to my spot, I asked the spot, "What is your name?" The spot said, "You are not ready to talk with me directly! You must first accept and appreciate fully your body!" I am writing a list of all the envy I have had of other people's bodies, how I wish I were different. Then I am writing a list of all the qualities of my body now that just are. When I finish with the second list, which is not easy, then I will have a ceremony to create the bridge of letting go of the desire to be different and embracing the body that I have. I will then see if the spot will talk with me!
I know that the word cancer is very evocative. The word can pull up deepest fears that are projections of night time fear, fear of death, and fear of loss. I appreciate that you care for me and that these might have come forth. If this is the beginning of physical death for me, then I sincerely wish to hold this part of my journey with dignity and courage taking the next steps into the unknown.
Right now, I am waiting for more information from the medical community. Before this, I have begun a relationship with my spot., to see the gifts that are coming to me through this experience and the reassurance that my secret desire of moving into another realm of service for the community is the path of my soul.
I welcome Reiki treatments and know that my Being will accept the energy, using it as it needs. If you wish to have a focus, these are some that would continue to support my life's journey:
See both my spiritual and physical bodies fill with Reiki
See me being open to the messages of my body and having the courage to speak the truth of my body
Hold the healing of any rifts that are in my personal or reiki life
See me embrace my physical body as it is…..glorious and strong
Feel my trust in my innate goodness and beauty
Thank you for your greetings, loving messages, advice, and translations of medical jargon.
Thank you for allowing me to be a recipient of your Reiki practice!
hyllis Furumoto
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